Step 1: There is no Step 1

I am a planner. I like my plans; they are (somewhat) well thought out & create little pockets of safety in an otherwise chaotic universe. Just about everyone I know has “a plan” regarding any number of issues & subjects in their life. The funny thing is, I don’t know anyone who as actually gotten all the way through one perfectly from A to B. Do you know why? Because God thinks our plans are “cute” & has big belly laughs every time we come up with one.

Now sometimes, I’ll admit, I sidetrack myself. For instance keeping up with this blog, I have every best intention! I compose paragraphs in my head all day on multiple subjects. I even have notes voice recorded in my phone! But as soon as the laptop opens, I become dazzled by one website or another that I’m just going to “check real quick!” Before you know it, hours have passed & all I’ve accomplished is learning the details of what Amber Rose is wearing in London today.

However, more often than not, it’s the universe working against me, most recently in the form of my cherubic 1-yr old fairy god-daughter. I was very clear with her, no pooping while Aunt Christine is in charge. None. I could almost hear God in her giggle & then, that foul odor wafted up. Oh the joy in her sweet little face as she attempted a bare-butt leap to freedom off the changing table while I gagged over the Diaper Genie. Needless to say, that plan did not work as well as her high-fiber breakfast.

But other plans are more important to the grander goal than just making it through babysitting without puking on the actual baby. For instance, I have a specific financial plan with a specific end goal. I did everything right in planning this one; I hit all the SMART bullet points (although I forget what the “R” stands for?). Then, there went the rug, right from under me & my carefully calculated spreadsheet. I’ve seen this happen time & time again to myself & friends alike. “We’ll have a baby after we buy a house.”, “I believe marriage is forever.”, “He’s got shore duty; finally we can spend some time together!”, “Thank goodness for my job security!” We’ve all been there, we all had a plan, but so did God.

The difference is that we can’t see The Big Picture. We curse & rant & fret when the universe makes a hard left even though we clearly said right. Our best made plans are worthless, but we persevere. Or we become addicted to Xanax, but that’s not really the best option, or the point I’m trying to get at here.

What I am getting at is that in the end, we look back & realize we wouldn’t have had it any other way. Our plan, our big goal, was missing the point all along. It’s not important what I drive in a year, it’s important that those I love are healthy. I will rock a ’97 Corolla if it means that my real happiness is still safe. Without that left turn, I would’ve missed that.

As I said in the beginning, I am a planner. But after learning the hard way a few times that plans are written in the sand at best, I’ve learned to rely on a more important skill as well, to close my eyes & jump into the unknown. All I have to do is believe I will soar & God will laugh & show me the way. That plan has proven true to fruition time & time again.

Maybe as a Redhead?

Adversity is an interesting catalyst. Without it, life would have no motion. Admittedly, every one of us would rather avoid it all cost, smooth sail through the journey, but without challenge, how would you know your strength? Can a bodybuilder boast without lifting the weight? Nope.

Yesterday I received some bad news & then some good news, on a day that started perfectly, then ended horribly. This is sometimes just how it goes kids. To say that I laughed & I cried, would be a cliché, but true. It was our 2 year anniversary & I woke up to a beautiful love letter commemorating the journey. That afternoon my little Sweet Potato, who already lives with Chronic Renal Failure, was diagnosed with a severe kidney infection & had to be admitted to the veterinary clinic for intensive antibiotic treatment. On my way home to gather her things, I checked the mail & was thrilled to find my long-delayed tax refund check, complete with interest from the delay! When has the IRS ever paid interest?!? Score! Then came the call from the vet with my snugglebug’s test results, CRF wasn’t enough for this over-achiever, she had diabetes too. Two chronic conditions that each require completely different daily medications, medications that Optima doesn’t cover…because they don’t cover pets, the heartless bastards.

By the end of the day, I was exhausted. So the evening was sacrificed to a therapeutic pity party & serious consideration of the ramifications of health insurance fraud. How hard would it be to get her a social security number? Could I live on the lam as a blonde? Sadly no, I am a hideous blonde.

Forever & a day ago I opened a cheesy email forward that gave the simple message, you have a choice everyday. Choose to be happy; choose to make it a good day. With that armor, I have lived my life & so I started making choices. Some were hard, I really like the new curtains I bought this weekend, but they cost the equivalent of Sweet Potato’s current bill. Other choices were easy, she is the longest continuous positive relationship of my life, and I will fight for her so long as she has fight left.

Thinking of it this way, considering the challenge & the path to overcoming it, creating a plan, made me feel so much more in control. I realized that I was thankful for the many blessings I had to help me along. A flexible work life that pays well, a supportive significant other, caring friends, an outstanding veterinary team & last but not least my own ability to see past the gloom to a realistic happy & healthy future. Without the experience of conquering past challenges, I would not have the confidence to face this one, or the many I’m sure are to come. So while I count the obvious positives in my life as blessings, I quietly offer thanks for those past adversities.

While I would much rather not have to deal with this current obstacle, I will. Because it is just an obstacle, not a road block, not unless I sit down & give up. But as luck would have it, God gave me the ability to make good choices & I will not waste the blessings he has given me, in any form in which they may arise.

Table for one?

I have been given the opportunity to spend an entire year on my own. A big sarcastic “Thank You!” to the Powers That Be for taking that pesky boyfriend on a swanky vacation to the Middle East until next Spring. Which leaves me here, contemplating my oneness, as a party of one.

So, how does one go about entertaining oneself for an entire year? First, one begins by referring to oneself as “one”, a classy twist on referring to oneself in third person. Then one makes a list, “Things to do to keep oneself from knitting the cats sweaters.”

What to do, what to do, when you’re a non-single in a universe of couples? All activities seem to be geared towards meeting someone to couple up with, or are designed to enhance your coupleness. But what if you’re one half of a couple? Where’s my table for one?!? Come on world! I don’t want to sit at the bar! I deserve a tablecloth too! Or at least my own paper covered table where I get to use all the good colored crayons myself.

So, my personal challenge for the next year is to revel in my awkward social position & find the beauty that lies within it. Baby steps, yes. Third wheel, sometimes. But ultimately I will find my individuality & stand proud. That is not to imply that I am not already an individual, my laugh alone sets me apart I assure you. But when was the last time you spent time by yourself...out in the world? That's what I'm going to do. Yes, I will bond with my friends & my family, but I want to take this opportunity for what it is, a chance to spend a year with me. Then I will promptly jump up & down like a crazed golden retriever when my other half finally returns home, reveling in our coupleness to the nausea of all around, and I will not be ashamed. In the least bit. But I digress, in the meantime, standing proud. Standing Proud.

And, since getting back to writing has long been a goal of mine, I’ve decided to chronicle this journey for the enjoyment of cyberspace, for better or for worse. I’m not promising high seas adventures here people, I’m just trying to learn to sleep on both sides of the bed, stave off an NCIS marathon addiction & make at least one year in what I hope to be a long life, totally & completely about me.

So, what to do? I've got a few ideas, but mainly I’m just really excited by the possibilities….